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AUDIO ADVENTURES IN TIME AND SPACE
TRANSCRIPTION: "MINUET IN HELL" (AV11)
PART: 1 OF 2
DURATION: 45:06
VERSION: 0.1
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THIS DOCUMENT HAS BEEN CREATED BY FANS FOR FANS. IF YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE
A COPY OF THIS PLAY, IT IS ASKED THAT YOU LISTEN TO IT WHILE READING
THE TRANSCRIPT AT LEAST ONCE. PLEASE REPORT ANY ERRORS, SUGGESTIONS, OR
OTHER IMPROVEMENTS TO THE TRANSCRIBER'S ADDRESS FOUND AT THE BOTTOM.
=======================================================================
SCENE 1: OUTSIDE MEDMENHAM ABBEY
SOUND: AN OWL HOOTS
SOUND 2: A LOUD CRACK OF THUNDER.
MUSIC: OMINOUS.
SOUND: BG: THE THUNDER CONTINUES AS RAIN STARTS TO POUR HEAVILY
[DISSOLVE INTO]
SCENE 2: THE TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM
SOUND: BG: TARDIS HUM
RIA: Doctor? Are you in here?
[THERE IS NO ANSWER.]
RIA: No. Where's that screwdriver?
SOUND: RIA SEARCHES FOR THE SCREWDRIVER.
RIA: I'm sorry about this, Doctor. Truly, I am. But it's
soon be time for me to return to Calfedoria and...
SOUND: A CHORUS OF ELECTRONIC BEEPS [CONTINUING UNDER].
RIA: ...and I just don't trust you to get me there in one
piece. Life's too precious to risk you dropping us down
another black hole. [PAUSE] Ah, there we are. The
symbiotic nuclei. Now, just have to recouple the
positron entropy compensator to the [lander] wave
amplifier. Child's play. And now rotate the lateral
neuron field to two hundred and seven degrees. Easy
does it...
SOUND: THERE IS AN EXPLOSION.
RIA: Ahhhh!!! That can't be right! I must have engaged the
auxiliary!
SOUND: AN ALARM SOUNDS, BUILDING IN INTENSITY AS THE SCENE
PROGRESSES.
RIA: Oh no! [CALLING] Doctor? Help! Come quickly!
DOCTOR: Ria, what.... Oh dear. Oh no!
RIA: Do something! The console's overheating! I think it's
going to explode!
SOUND: THE DOCTOR PUNCHES A SERIES OF KEYS ON THE CONSOLE.
[THEIR VOICES START TO BECOME DISTORTED, WORSENING AS
THE SCENE PROGRESSES.]
RIA: What are you doing?
DOCTOR: Emergency materialization! Only hope! Levels still
rising!
SOUND: THERE IS ANOTHER EXPLOSION.
DOCTOR: It may be too late!
RIA: We'd better get outside.
DOCTOR: Check the scanner first! We might have landed.... [HE
LETS OUT AN AGONIZING SCREAM.]
RIA: Doctor? What's wrong?
DOCTOR: My head! Ah! What's happening inside my head?
RIA: Look! The scanner!
DOCTOR: It's going to blow!
RIA: That face!
DOCTOR: I can't stop the build-up!
SOUND: THE ALARM FADES UP AND DISSOLVES INTO...
MUSIC: THEME 1
SCENE 3: MEDMENHAM ABBEY.
MUSIC: HELL FIRE THEME.
SOUND: THUNDER AND RAIN
[FADE UP]
[A VOICE CRIES OUT A STRING OF LATIN INVOCATIONS OVER A
CHORUS OF CHANTING MALE VOICES. THE WORDS ARE DIFFICULT
TO MAKE OUT CLEARLY, BUT THERE CAN BE NO MISTAKING THE
TONE. THIS IS AN INVOCATION TO THE DEVIL.]
[TN: WE'RE STILL WORKING ON THE LATIN PASSAGES. A
FUTURE VERSION OF THIS TRANSCRIPT SHOULD INCLUDE THEM.]
SCENE 4: BEDLAM
SOUND: BG: THE RATTLING OF HEAVY CHAINS.
DOCTOR: The... legends of Gallifrey... speak of a world where
everything is horror... horror and pain. A world...
from which there is no escape.
SOUND: BG: INMATES SHOUTING AND TALKING
DOCTOR: And the creatures who crawl on the crust of the land are
the lost... and the hopeless... and the broken and the
doomed.
The legends of Gallifrey speak of a world... and the
name of the world they speak of is Hell. Hell is where
I have come at last.... And there can be no escape.
SCENE 5: MEDMENHAM ABBEY - MIDNIGHT.
[THE INCANTATIONS FADE BACK UP AND REACH THEIR PEAK.]
LORD SANDWICH: Arise! Arise, almighty Lucifer!!!
[THE CHANTERS SCREAM THEIR IMPRECATIONS TO THE DARK
ONE.]
SCENE 6: MEDMENHAM ABBEY - AFTER MIDNIGHT.
MUSIC: A MINUET PERFORMED ON HARPSICHORD.
LORD SANDWICH: Here. Tell me Count Ogolien, what thought you of your
first black mass, eh?
OGOLIEN: Most uh... most instructive, My Lord, only marred, alas,
by the Devil's unaccountable failure to appear when
called on.
LORD SANDWICH: Hm. Yeah. I mean to try again tomorrow night with a new
invocation.
OGOLIEN: Your Lucifer must be a plaguey ill-bred fellow not to
answer the prayers of such a glittering assembly as this
Hell Fire Club. I confess I've seldom seen so many
luminaries taking their pleasure together in one place.
LORD SANDWICH: We attempt to keep our membership exclusive.
OGOLIEN: Exclusive? Half the British government is here! Lord
Bute, the Prime Minister. Sir Francis Dashwood,
chancellor of his majesty's exchequer. To say nothing
of the distinguished First Lord of the Admiralty, his
grace the Earl of Sandwich.
LORD SANDWICH: Yours to command, Count. Yours to command. Yes. We of
the Hell Fire Club believe in serving the King by day,
and Lucifer by night. [HE BREAKS INTO A RASPY LAUGH.]
It's a most patriotic arrangement.
[HE LAUGHS AGAIN. OGOLIEN ADDS A POLITE CHUCKLE.]
OGOLIEN: Hmmm... One moment, my Lord. I see a friend of mine.
[CALLING] Colonel Wilkes! Will you take a glass?
LORD SANDWICH: [UNDER HIS BREATH] Wilkes?
OGOLIEN: John Wilkes. I made his acquaintance last week on my
first day in London. A distinguished journalist, I
believe, as well as a member of Parliament.
WILKES: [BRIGHTLY] My dear Count Ogolien! How is it with you?
Are you amused by the English at play, hm? [A CLOUD
FORMS OVER HIS DEMEANOUR.] Ahh. My Lord, uh, Sandwich.
Your servant, Sir.
LORD SANDWICH: Me *servant*? Well, Sir. That's a position for which
your birth amply suits you.
WILKES: True. My father was but a humble distiller in
Clarkenwell, yet I hope to improve myself. I come here
whenever I can to Medmenham Abbey in order to benefit
from the high moral example of these gentlemen of
wealth, and breeding, and position, and taste.
SOUND: SANDWICH DASHES HIS GLASS TO THE FLOOR.
LORD SANDWICH: Taste, sirrah? Taste?!? What the Devil would you know
of taste?
WILKES: Why, nothing whatsoever, as one may tell by the company
I keep.
OGOLIEN: Come, gentlemen. Why strain so pleasant a night with
quarrelling?
WILKES: There's no strain in a quarrel with Lord Sandwich. He's
the perfect quarrelling companion. He *resents*
everything I say, and *understands* nothing!
But, now I fear I must leave this... noble company. I
have a pressing appointment in town.
OGOLIEN: What? Will you not stay to enjoy the revels?
WILKES: I'll return tomorrow night. I hear we are to receive a
fresh consignment of young ladies from Mother Fireship's
establishment. Ahhh, their pretty little satin
bottoms.... Uh, tonight, though, I must be off to
Bedlam.
OGOLIEN: Bedlam!
LORD SANDWICH: Concerning which, it occurs to me, you will either die
on the gallows, or of the pox.
WILKES: That depends whether I embrace your Lordship's
principles, or your *mistress*.
[ADMITTING DEFEAT IN THEIR WAR OF WORDS, SANDWICH
RESPONDS WITH A DISGRUNTLED HONK, WHICH BORDERS ON A
LAUGH.]
OGOLIEN: But what... what the deuce takes you to *Bedlam*,
Colonel Wilkes?
WILKES: There's a vacancy on the board of governors. I've been
invited to fill it. I reckoned it wise to look over the
place before accepting the post.
OGOLIEN: And you're going there *now*? After midnight?
WILKES: What better hour for a descent into Hell?
SCENE 7: BEDLAM.
SOUND: CURDLE WALKS TOWARD THE DOOR.
[AS HE WALKS, CURDLE CHOKES, SNIFFLES AND SPITS AS HIS
LUNGS TRY TO TAKE IN THE PUTRID AIR OF BEDLAM.]
SOUND: CURDLE OPENS THE CREAKING DOOR.
CURDLE: Do enter, gracious gentleman. Uh, most-honoured Sir,
come in.
WILKES: Thank you, Master Cur... [HE CHOKES ON THE BAD AIR]
Plague take us all, Master Curdle! Was there ever such
an unspeakable stench!
CURDLE: You mustn't mind that, your worship. The smell of
Bedlam's a thing most necessary. Your lunatic naturally
prefers foul air. It soothes the troubling vapours in
his brain.
WILKES: Well, surely that can't...
CURDLE: I knows my business, your honour. Uh, fourteen years
I've served as master of Bedlam. As for the smell, I
hardly notices it any more.
WILKES: Well, all I can say is....
SOUND: CURDLE'S LARGE DOG, DEMON, BEGINS TO BARK.
WILKES: All I can say is I wish you'd keep hold of that hound of
yours, Master Curdle.
CURDLE: Demon won't harm you, Sir. He only eats loonies.
WILKES: Yes. Well, now to business. Tell me, what use do you
make of these small cells here? They seem scarce big
enough for *spaniels* let alone madmen.
CURDLE: New inmates, your honour. I always keeps 'em solitary
for their first night here.
WILKES: May I inspect them?
CURDLE: As your worship wishes. Brought in this morning, they
were. Found running stark mad in the streets of
Shoreditch.
WILKES: Shoreditch, eh? Perhaps they were customers of Mother
Fireship's establishment. There's many a wench of
*hers* could drive a man to lunacy in a night.
SOUND: CURDLE UNLOCKS AND OPENS THE FIRST CELL.
CURDLE: Out! The gentleman'd speak to you.
WILKES: And, uh, who might you be, my good fellow?
GIDEON: If it please you, Sir, my name is Gideon Spoonbill. A
clerk by profession, and lay preacher - until misfortune
brought me to this place.
WILKES: Indeed? Master Curdle, this man seems sane enough to
me.
GIDEON: Forgive me, Sir, but...
CURDLE: Speak on command, blast your eyes!
WILKES: No, no. Let him continue.
GIDEON: Forgive me, Sir, but I have, indeed, *been* mad. A
dreadful lunacy took me in the morning around dawn. But
now, I thank providence, it has passed from me. For
good, I honestly believe.
WILKES: What say you, Master Curdle?
CURDLE: The Commission sits this Tuesday week. I'll wager they
discharge him.
WILKES: Excellent. What of the fellow in the next cell.
SOUND: CURDLE OPENS THE CREAKING DOOR OF THE SECOND CELL.
CURDLE: A sad wretch, this one. I've had endless trouble with
him. Even to dosing him with opiates to keep him quiet.
MUSIC: HOPELESS.
[A FAMILIAR VOICE MUTTERS INCOMPREHENSIBLY. IT IS THAT
OF THE DOCTOR.]
WILKES: Good heavens! What have we here?
CURDLE: Oh, your honour, this one's for a lifetime in Bedlam.
WILKES: Well, fellow, and who...
DOCTOR: [FRANTIC] Uh, please! Whoever you are! You've *got* to
help me get out of here!
CURDLE: Stand back, you! Look on the cudgel, and keep your
distance!
DOCTOR: Look. Hones...honestly there's been a terrible mistake.
I'm not a madman! *Believe* me!
WILKES: Calm yourself, fellow. A little tranquillity, if you
please. Tell me. Do you know your name?
DOCTOR: Name. Of course I do! The Doctor! That's my name!
CURDLE: That's a job, you loony, not a name.
DOCTOR: Listen, you seem like an intelligent man. Can't we talk
in private; tell this tenth-rate Napoleon to take a walk
and...
WILKES: Tenth-rate what?
DOCTOR: Uh... Oh, sorry, um, uh, what year is this?
CURDLE: A hopeless case, your worship. Uh, shall I lock him up
again?
WILKES: Five minutes more. The year, Sir Doctor, is seventeen
hundred and sixty-two. Now, tell me. Is your home in
London? Do you know your address?
DOCTOR: Uh... no, I...I... I'm a traveller. I've only just
arrived in London with my companion. Who knows what's
become of her? I was on my way to visit an old friend
living in Scotland.
WILKES: Might this North British comrade be prevailed upon to
vouch for you?
DOCTOR: Of course! Get in touch with Jamie! He'll soon tell
you! Oh no. No. He won't. His memory was wiped on
the day we parted. And, besides, he'd never recognize
me. I was a much older man in those days.
CURDLE: Ho hum.
WILKES: I fear I'm of your mind, Master Curdle.
DOCTOR: No! No! You've got to listen to me! There's a big
blue metal box standing on a wharf at Shoreditch!
SOUND: DEMON BEGINS BARKING AT HIM.
DOCTOR: Take me to it, and I'll prove every word I say! Don't
you understand? I'm a Timelord from the planet
Gallifrey, and I... oh, what am I saying?
CURDLE: Come along, lad. Back in your cell. I'll bring you
some laudanum presently to help you rest.
DOCTOR: Two hearts! I've got two hearts! Put your hands on my
chest! You'll feel them beating!
WILKES: Let *go* of me!
CURDLE: [?]
SOUND: CURDLE CLUBS THE DOCTOR A COUPLE OF TIMES WITH HIS
CUDGEL.
DOCTOR: Ow! Ooh!
CURDLE: Are you hurt, Colonel Wilkes?
WILKES: No. No. Naught, but a trifling disarrangement of my
wig. Lead me out of this dreadful place, Master Curdle.
I've seen enough and superfluous.
CURDLE: Uh, at once. At once. Demon! Guard that man!
SOUND: DEMON BARKS A RESPONSE.
CURDLE: Have you made up your mind then, your honour? Will you
be taking the post on the board of governors?
WILKES: I think not. I do not care for Bedlam, Master Curdle.
It's too plaguey similar to the House of Commons.
[WE CUT TO THE DOCTOR'S PERSPECTIVE AS HE BREATHES
PENSIVELY.]
WILKES: Poor crazy fellow.
SCENE 8: OGOLIEN'S HOUSE.
SOUND: A HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGE COMES TO A STOP IN FRONT OF
OGOLIEN'S HOUSE.
MUSIC: MURA PLAYS A MINUET ON A HARPSICHORD.
OGOLIEN: Thank you for honouring my house, Lord Sandwich.
SOUND: BG: A TICKING CLOCK
LORD SANDWICH: Thank you for inviting me, Count.
OGOLIEN: Allow me to present my wife.
MUSIC: MURA STOPS PLAYING.
OGOLIEN: Mura, this his grace the Earl of Sandwich.
LORD SANDWICH: Aye! Your, uh, devoted slave, Countess.
MURA: My Lord.
OGOLIEN: Please, do not interrupt your playing on our account, my
dear.
LORD SANDWICH: Well, now, Count Ogolien...
MUSIC: MURA CONTINUES TO PLAY THE HARPSICHORD.
LORD SANDWICH: ...why am I here, hm? Your invitation spoke of
something to me advantage. I'll confess meself
intrigued.
OGOLIEN: Since last night, my Lord, I have been giving much
thought to the matter of the Hell Fire Club.
LORD SANDWICH: What?!? Count, have a care, Sir.
MUSIC: MURA QUITS PLAYING AGAIN.
OGOLIEN: Ah, we may speak freely in front of Mura. Fear naught.
MURA: Outside England, gentlemen often credit their wives with
*marginally* more intelligence than their horses, Lord
Sandwich.
LORD SANDWICH: Hmmm... Well, it sounds damned insecure to me, but...
carry on. Carry on.
OGOLIEN: The club meets for two fundamental purposes: for
pleasure, of course, but more importantly, for worship;
*Devil* worship, my Lord.
LORD SANDWICH: Is anyone denying that?
OGOLIEN: Night after night, you celebrate your Satanic masses.
You call on Lucifer. Entreat him to rise up from Hell
and appear before you.
MURA: But, alas, Lucifer never comes.
LORD SANDWICH: Well, tonight's invocation will....
OGOLIEN: Will fail like all the others. Unless of course....
LORD SANDWICH: Well? Out with it, Sir! Unless *what*?
MUSIC: SINISTER HARPSICHORD MUSIC.
OGOLIEN: Unless you have the advice - the assistance - of one
better-versed in these matters than the average English
aristocrat.
MURA: The science of diabolism is far better understood in our
native land.
LORD SANDWICH: Is it, by God? And where is that? I've heard it said
you hail from Bohemia.
OGOLIEN: Bohemia? [CHUCKLES]
MURA: Well why not? Bohemia's as good a place as any other,
I'm sure.
SCENE 9: A HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGE.
SOUND: BG: HORSES-DRAWN CARRIAGE.
NELLY: Look, girls, we're nearly there! I can see the river
through the trees! Come along little dollymop, why such
a doleful face?
RIA: Forgive me, Nelly, I'm trying to keep cheerful, but I
can't help feeling a little... a little....
NELLY: Apprehensive, is it? Oh, I remember I once felt just
that way. Years ago now.
RIA: I'm so confused. Everything's happened to me so fast.
NELLY: Faith, that's true. You were found but yesterday
wandering the streets of Shoreditch, 'alf in a daze, and
wearing the most outlandish clothes anybody'd ever yet
clapped eyes on. But a page has turned for you now. You
should thank your lucky stars Mother Fireship had the
kindness to take you in, Ria.
RIA: If only I could remember something about my past. It's
all a blank except for my name. I think.... I think I
was some sort of traveller.
NELLY: Well, you're no traveller now. You're a little satin
bottom, or you will be tonight. Cheer yourself,
dollymop, there's worse [throws] for a girl than wearing
gowns of scarlet velvet, and caps of Brussels lace.
We're off to Medmenham Abbey to keep company with the
*finest* and the *richest* Lords in all the land. You
may be Duchess Ria by the end of the year. Think on
that.
RIA: Yes. Yes. I'm thinking. I'm... thinking about it.
But, well....
NELLY: If you're going to be moral, I swear an oath I'll vomit
directly!
RIA: No, Nelly. It's just that...
NELLY: Well?
RIA: But I don't really understand what's expected of me.
I'm sure I used to know. I've just forgotten, you see.
NELLY: You'll find out tonight. I promise you.
SOUND: THE CARRIAGE CONTINUES ON INTO THE NIGHT.
SCENE 10: OGOLIEN'S HOUSE.
SOUND: BG: A TICKING CLOCK
OGOLIEN: You'll find out tonight, my Lord, whether I can
discharge all that I promise.
LORD SANDWICH: Make Lucifer appear at Medmenham, eh? Yes. It'll come
expensive, I dare guess. What's your fee?
OGOLIEN: I do not ask for money, Lord Sandwich.
LORD SANDWICH: What?! Ha! Swipe me! That expensive!
MURA: We only wish to be allowed to advise you, during the
great events which lie ahead.
LORD SANDWICH: Great events?
OGOLIEN: Oh, come. You've been invoking the Devil for a decade.
You must've taken time to calculate the rewards of
success.
MURA: What will the members of the Hell Fire Club do when
Lucifer materializes in glory before them?
OGOLIEN: They'll fall on their faces and pay homage to him.
MURA: They'll offer him their lives, their estates, every
penny they possess.
OGOLIEN: They'll run to obey, without question, his commandments.
MURA: His commandments!
OGOLIEN: And the commandments of that favoured being, his high
priest. The one man capable of conjuring up their god.
MURA: You will be the master of the Hell Fire Club! The
wealthiest, most powerful assemblage in Britain. The
government will be in *your* hands!
OGOLIEN: And we... we will guide those hands as you exercise your
new-won power. Confess it, my Lord, you know all
this without our telling you.
LORD SANDWICH: Well... yes... [HE GIVES A RASPY LAUGH] I had made some
computations along those lines, myself. He-he. Yes. A
man who rules the Devil, rules the club. M-hmm. The
man who rules the club, rules the country.
OGOLIEN: And the man who rules the country... [LAUGHS
SINISTERLY.]
LORD SANDWICH: [LAUGHS SINISTERLY.]
SCENE 11: OUTSIDE MEDMENHAM ABBEY.
SOUND: THE COACH PULLS UP TO THE ABBEY.
NELLY: Well burst me bodice! What an elegant abbey it is!
SOUND: NELLY CLIMBS OUT OF THE CARRIAGE.
NELLY: Come, little dollymop. Out with you.
SOUND: RIA CLIMBS OUT OF THE CARRIAGE.
NELLY: Ria? What ails you now?
RIA: Something's stirring in my memory. I just.... I had a
companion. A doctor, I think. Yes! That's right! A
doctor!
SCENE 12: BEDLAM - THE DOCTOR'S CELL.
SOUND: BG: THE DOCTOR'S CHAINS RATTLE.
DOCTOR: I've *got* to get out of this place. I *must* find my
friend. She'll never be able to handle the eighteenth
century on her own.
GIDEON: If you want to escape, Doctor, I know one sure way.
DOCTOR: Hm. Do you, Mister *Spoonbill*?
GIDEON: Please, Gideon.
DOCTOR: If you like. Uh, what way?
GIDEON: Any madhouse in the world's the same. The way to escape
is simple. You begin by admitting that you're mad.
DOCTOR: Yes. Thank you, Gideon. I dare say that's the advice
I'd give in your place. But it doesn't *apply* to me.
You see, I *know* I'm sane.
GIDEON: Doctor, every man in Bedlam knows he's sane. Every
woman too. [CALLING TO A WOMAN] Hey! Grandmother! You
know you're sane, don't you?
WOMAN: Why of course, young sir. As sure as my name's [Sammy?
?], Queen of [?]. [GIGGLES.]
DOCTOR: I could help these people. I *should* be helping these
people! I've studied psychiatry! I know the
*techniques*! Only, I forget.
Listen, Gideon, I've *been* in some sort of accident.
My mind... my mind is....
GIDEON: Deranged, Doctor. Your mind is deranged.
These *stories* you've been telling me: wild flights
among the stars, monsters made of metal, a single bomb
laying waste whole cities? *Nightmares* of a disordered
brain, the lot of them. Man, you live in a make believe
cosmos.
DOCTOR: I live in reality! Good grief! I know what reality is!
GIDEON: I fancy each of us is lord of his own reality. If my
reality agrees with yours, we say we're both sane. If
they differ, then one of us is mad. Or both. Who can
tell?
DOCTOR: I can *prove* everything! They only have to take me
back to that wharf! I only have to *bring* out my key
and open the door of th...the...the.... Heaven help me!
What's the *name* of the thing?!?
GIDEON: The TARDIS, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
CURDLE: Oi there! Lord, [sir] Doctor.
DOCTOR: [UNDER HIS BREATH] Oh no. Himmler's grandfather again.
CURDLE: Time for medicine, your Lordship. A fine big ladle of
laudanum. That'll put a smile on your pretty face.
DOCTOR: I don't *need* laudanum! Don't you know the stuff's
addictive? Besides, my brain's confused enough as it
is!
CURDLE: Going to resist, are you? Will I have to tie you down?
Will I have to fetch wires and clamp your mouth open,
then?
DOCTOR: Better not. You'd *enjoy* it too much. It *might*
bring on a seizure.
CURDLE: There's my good little loony. Open your mouth wide, now
and take a great big slug!
DOCTOR: And here's a great big slug for *you*!
SOUND: THE DOCTOR HITS CURDLE.
SOUND 2: DEMON BEGINS TO BARK.
CURDLE: Ahhh!
DOCTOR: In the immortal words of Johann Wolfgang von [Goethe?],
feet, don't fail me now!
SOUND: THE DOCTOR, STILL IN CHAINS, FLEES.
CURDLE: Get him, Demon!
SOUND: DEMON GOES CHASING AFTER THE DOCTOR.
CURDLE: Shut up! The whole lot of you!
SCENE 13: IN THE CORRIDORS OF BEDLAM
SOUND: THE DOCTOR APPROACHES.
DOCTOR: [FRANTIC] Which way? All these corridors! Must be an
exit! No. Cul-de-sac. Window! Barred! Doesn't
matter! You're strong. You're a Timelord! You can
break the *bars*! One good heave'll do it. Right.
[GRUNTS WITH EXERTION] What's *wrong* with me?
[THE DOCTOR SPIES DEMON APPROACHING.]
DOCTOR: Oh. Uh... no... uhhh.
SOUND: DEMON BARKS SEVERAL TIMES [CONTINUING UNDER]
DOCTOR: Good dog. No. Please. Just... just....
[DEMON GRABS HOLD OF THE DOCTOR.]
DOCTOR: Ahhh! Umph! Ahhh!
CURDLE: Right! Demon? Leave him to me. Now, my *fine*,...
SOUND: CURDLE HITS THE DOCTOR WITH HIS CUDGEL.
DOCTOR: Ooph!
CURDLE: ...*handsome*,...
SOUND: ANOTHER BLOW
DOCTOR: Bwahh!
CURDLE: ...*fancy*,...
SOUND: ANOTHER BLOW
DOCTOR: Mmooph!
CURDLE: ...*educated*,...
SOUND: ANOTHER BLOW.
DOCTOR: [COUGHS WETLY]
CURDLE: ...man.
DOCTOR: [LOSING CONSCIOUSNESS] Hmmmm...
SCENE 14: MEDMENHAM ABBEY
SOUND: BG: THE REVELLERS LAUGH AND SHOUT AMONGST THEMSELVES.
NELLY: Well, dollymop, night is setting mountains upon the land,
and the pretty gentlemen are starting to arrive. Are
you quaking a little?
RIA: Just a little. Nelly, I wish you'd explain what I'm
expected to *do*.
LORD #1: Oh! They've arrived then!
SHERWIN: Ho there, little satin bottom!
NELLY: Well met my dissipated lordlings. Pickled so soon in the
evening?
LORD #1: I know you! Oh, yes I do! You're one of... one of
Mother Fireship's, uh, young [Janes?].
NELLY: Oh, aye, sir. And I know you too. But fear naught.
I'll never tell your friends your little secret.
SHERWIN: Ooohhh! Who's this trembling rosebud at your side, hm?
There's pollen here [than ? ? bee], I'll warrant! Ah
ha ha!
RIA: I...I...
NELLY: Go soft with young Ria, my lords. She's fresh to the
game.
LORD #2: What?!? [?.]
SHERWIN: There's bloom on the peach, but is it ripe? Let's try
how it is to the touch!
RIA: *Take your hands off me!*
SHERWIN: Ooo! Ooo-hoo-hoo! Ow! Ooh-hoo! What, wildcat? What,
spitfire? Fetch me a whip! Here's a filly for the
*breaking*!
RIA: Will nobody help me?!?
WILKES: What in perdition's this row?
LORD #1: Well, now! It...it...it's Jack Wilkes!
SHERWIN: Oh ho ho ho ho!
LORD #1: Here. Come and join our sport with this spiky great
trollop!
RIA: Back off and leave me alone.
WILKES: What's that?
SHERWIN: She's calling on you, Jack! Ha! Will you be her knight
protector?
LORD #1: Oh-ho-ho ho!
WILKES: By [?], I will at that.
SOUND: JACK DRAWS HIS SWORD.
WILKES: Leave her be Sherwin, or I'll split you where you stand!
LORD #1: Whoa ho ho ho!
SHERWIN: Whoa ho! Jack, man, you're too drunk to hold your
weapon upright, let alone spar. But, hang it, if you
want the wench, she's yours.
LORD #2: Nelly! Come join us, won't you?
SHERWIN: And you won't bare your claws at us, will you?
NELLY: Not my claws, masters. Never my claws. Ria, go with
Colonel Wilkes. He's a good-eyed sort of rascal.
[THE TWO LORDS AND SHERWIN LAUGH AT THIS JAPE AGAINST
WILKES' APPEARANCE.]
RIA: *You*? Go with *you*? But you're... you're...
WILKES: Ugly?
RIA: No. I didn't mean...
WILKES: Ugly as sin, eh? Ugly as sin's pet bulldog. But give
me an hour's start to make up for my face and you'll
find me the *likeliest lover in all England*! I once
took a woman away from Senor Casanova! There's plaguey
few can boast that!
RIA: Listen. Thank you for saving me from those... *things*.
WILKES: Hm. Sooner thank the two bottles of Claret in me belly.
MUSIC: A HARPSICHORD BEGINS TO PLAY.
WILKES: Ah! Will you tread a minuet with me, child?
RIA: I'm afraid I don't know how.
WILKES: Uh, a walk in the abbey grounds, perhaps. I'd enjoy
showing you off to the moon.
RIA: Yes. I think I'd like that. Heavens, I really would...
I think.
SCENE 15: THE ABBEY GROUNDS
SOUND: AN OWL HOOTS.
SOUND 2: RIA AND JACK WALK ALONG A GRAVEL PATH.
WILKES: It's as I thought. You're a pretty wench by moonlight.
RIA: [TO HERSELF] I could run now. He'd never catch me.
But, surely it can't be right to run away from
education.
WILKES: Ria? Are you afraid of me?
RIA: No, Jack.
WILKES: And you trust me?
RIA: Yes.
WILKES: Then you're a fool. But I'll try not to betray you....
uh any more than the universal laws compel. What a
pretty wench you are!
RIA: Thank you.
WILKES: [SINGING LOUDLY] Ooooo, ruddier than the cherry. O,
sweeter than the berry!...
SOUND: A CURIOUS ELECTRONIC SOUND BEGINS TO BE HEARD UNDER HIS
DRUNKEN SONG.
WILKES: ...O, nymph more bright than moonshine night, like
kiddlings blithe and merry!
RIA: Good heavens! What on Earth is it?!?
WILKES: Like kiddling.... Bowel me! You'll not believe this,
Ria. I... swear I can see a... a white Doric temple in
the shrubbery! But I know such a thing never stood
there yet!
RIA: I see it too, Jack.
WILKES: Thought I'd scaled every peak of drunkenness in my time,
but this is a whole new pinnacle. Forgive me, Ria.
RIA: No! Don't!
WILKES: And, good night.
SOUND: HE FLOPS TO THE GROUND AND IMMEDIATELY FALLS INTO A
DEEP AND DRUNKEN SLEEP, COMPLETE WITH SNORING.
RIA: Jack! Wake up! Don't leave me alone!
SOUND: THE DOOR OF OGOLIEN'S TEMPLE OPENS AND HE EXITS.
OGOLIEN: Perfect. Pinpoint accuracy! Everything is as necessary.
RIA: I'd better hide.
MURA: So, *this* is Medmenham Abbey. And how majestic it is.
OGOLIEN: By *human* standards.
MURA: Ogolien, my dear, who is this corpse upon the lawn?
OGOLIEN: Why, it's my good friend Wilkes! A man of reason. I'll
send some people out to wake him later. I'd hate him to
miss Lord Sandwich's invocation. Hm hm hmm.
SOUND: OGOLIEN AND MURA WALK OFF.
RIA: What does this mean? It all seems... I don't know...
*familiar*. If only I could remember. I wonder. If I
could just short circuit...
SOUND: THERE IS A SHORT BURST OF ENERGY AND THE DOOR OPENS.
RIA: Ah. There we are. Now how did I remember that?
[SHE ENTERS OGOLIEN'S TEMPLE.]
SOUND: BG: AN ELECTRONIC HUMMING
RIA: This is like... a place I know very well.
SOUND: SOMETHING BEGINS TO GROAN VERY NEAR HER.
RIA: What's that?
SCENE 16: BEDLAM.
SOUND: BG: INMATES SHOUTING AND TALKING
[THE DOCTOR STRUGGLES AGAINST HIS BONDS]
DOCTOR: Gideon, please... untie me, will you?
GIDEON: Certainly not, Doctor. You're *safe* where you are:
snug in your strait waistcoat. Untied you'd be a menace
to yourself *and* the rest of us.
DOCTOR: *Please*!
GIDEON: You're a madman, Doctor. Face the truth.
DOCTOR: If I wasn't before, I suspect I soon will be.
GIDEON: That *ridiculous* escape attempt, was *that* the action
of a sane man? Now, here you are trussed up like a
turkey, bruised all over, a double dose of laudanum
inside you. If that's the reward of sanity, a man were
better crazy.
DOCTOR: Can it be true? The TARDIS? Gallifrey? All fantasies?
No! I *won't* accept it. I *am* the Doctor!
GIDEON: *Are* you now?
SCENE 17: MEDMENHAM ABBEY
OGOLIEN: [CALLING] Lord Sandwich. A word with you!
LORD SANDWICH: Ah, Count Ogolien! Uh, Countess Mura. Hm. Um, in here.
[THEY WALK INTO A PRIVATE ROOM.]
LORD SANDWICH: [QUIETLY] Well, have you accomplished what you promised?
Is all prepared?
MURA: Ogolien, he doubts our ability.
OGOLIEN: The gentleman has no faith at all! My Lord, be at ease.
For your pleasure this day we have raised great Lucifer
up from Hell.
MURA: Even now, the Devil himself is waiting outside in our
vessel.
LORD SANDWICH: Good. Good.
SCENE 18: INSIDE OGOLIEN'S TEMPLE
SOUND: BG: AN ELECTRONIC HUMMING
MUSIC: HELL FIRE THEME
SOUND: THE CREATURE CONTINUES TO GROAN FROM BEHIND THE DOOR.
RIA: Whatever it is, it's behind this door. Let's see. I
think I can remember. All I have to do is press a
button.
SOUND: TWO BEEPS.
RIA: This button. Of course!
SOUND: THE DOOR OPENS.
RIA: How could I have....
SOUND: THE CREATURE, WHICH HAD BEEN GROWLING, NOW ROARS AS IT
SPOTS RIA
RIA: [SCREAMS]
SCENE 19: MEDMENHAM ABBEY.
LORD SANDWICH: I can scarce *credit* this! After so many *years*?
*You* have brought the Devil himself to Medmenham?
OGOLIEN: A monster the size of an oak tree with horns and fangs,
and great burning eyes!
MURA: Covered in fur, with a *roar* like the very apocalypse!
LORD SANDWICH: Yes. Yes!
OGOLIEN: Yes. [QUIETLY] I think you may safely call him the
Devil...
MURA: [QUIETLY]...unless you wish to be pedantic. In which
case, he is a cave-dwelling werglash from the third moon
of Triphemna.
OGOLIEN: But I doubt anyone in London will know the difference.
SCENE 20: INSIDE OGOLIEN'S TEMPLE.
SOUND: BG: AN ELECTRONIC HUMMING
WERGLASH: [ROARS WEAKLY]
RIA: Don't hurt me! Don't! Please!
[THE WERGLASH SPEAKS SLOWLY WITH A STRUGGLING THROATY
VOICE. IT SOUNDS AS IF IT'S CONSTANTLY BEING STRANGLED.]
WERGLASH: Help me.
RIA: Hey? What?
WERGLASH: Pain! Unbearable pain. Have pity. Help me [IT TRAILS
OFF INTO A KIND OF SCREAM.]
RIA: What's wrong? Are you ill?
WERGLASH: Can't move! Too heavy. Ohhhh! Where I come from,
lighter. Many times lighter.
RIA: Gravity, you mean? The gravity's lighter?
WERGLASH: They trapped me! Stole me. Brought me here. Brought
me to *pain*. Help me.
RIA: I thought... I thought you were the Devil.
WERGLASH: Worse!
RIA: What?
WERGLASH: Worse devils than me! Devils walking the earth all
around.
SCENE 21: BEDLAM.
SOUND: CURDLE STRUGGLES TO PULL THE CORK FROM A BOTTLE WITH HIS
TEETH. EVENTUALLY, IT OPENS WITH A POP.
SOUND 2: HE SPITS THE CORK OUT OF HIS MOUTH AND SLOPPILY POURS
HIMSELF A DRINK.
CURDLE: [QUIETLY SINGING TO HIMSELF] The girls are not as smart,
and they're not pretty, Nanny. She's the darling of....
[ANNOYED, TO DEMON] Demon, cut that out!
[HE DRINKS DOWN SEVERAL GULPS.]
CURDLE: Strike me, would he? Lay his hands on an appointed
officer, would he? Rot yourself, Doctor. I've a good
mind to...
SOUND: DEMON BEGINS TO BARK.
CURDLE: Quiet!
SOUND: CURDLE STRUGGLES TO PULL ANOTHER CORK FROM ANOTHER
BOTTLE, AGAIN EVENTUALLY SUCCEEDING, AND AGAIN SPITTING
IT OUT ONCE HE'S DONE SO.
SOUND 2: HE POURS ANOTHER LARGE DRINK
CURDLE: [CONTINUING HIS SONG.] She's the darling of me heart...
[TALKING TO HIMSELF.] I've a good mind.... Why not? I
makes the law in Bedlam. Who'd question me?
[HE TAKES A SWIG]
CURDLE: One less mouth forever gaping for meat. Money saved on
laudanum. Money saved for more important matters!
SOUND: HE POURS HIMSELF ANOTHER DRINK.
CURDLE: Like sweet Nelly Whistler! [HE TAKES A SLOPPY SLURP]
Eugh. Why not? [ANOTHER GREAT GULP] While he sleeps. An
inch of *steel* in the base of his *brain*! No *blood*.
No questions. Wait 'til they're all asleep. [ANOTHER
SWIG] No witnesses. And if anyone does see, who'd
believe the word of a loony? [ANOTHER SWIG, THEN
SINGING] O, the girls that are s.... [SPOKEN] Yeah. Wait
'til they're asleep. Wait 'til midnight.
SCENE 22: MEDMENHAM ABBEY.
OGOLIEN: Midnight, my lord. Your invocation must culminate on
the *stroke* of midnight.
LORD SANDWICH: Yes?
MURA: At *that* moment, we shall use our science to conjure up
the Devil through invisible space, so he will appear in
the crypt downstairs.
OGOLIEN: No one in the Hell Fire Club will doubt you have brought
Lucifer in person before them!
LORD SANDWICH: Excellent!
OGOLIEN: You will pluck mastery of Britain like pomegranate from
a tree!
LORD SANDWICH: Yes, and more besides!
MURA: And now we must leave you to complete our preparations.
Farewell 'til the morrow, my lord.
LORD SANDWICH: Uh...uh... yes. Yes. Yes. Farewell. Yes. I'd best
return to the revelry.
MURA: Come Ogolien.
OGOLIEN: Mura, my love.
MURA: What is it?
OGOLIEN: With your permission, I'd as soon wait behind an hour or
so. I've a fancy to enjoy a taste of the club's
revelry.
MURA: Indeed, and is *that* what you've a mind to do?
OGOLIEN: One tiny hour, my beloved? Indulge me.
MURA: Very well. Only for one hour, though. There is *much*
we need to do.
OGOLIEN: And now to taste the delights of human flesh....
SCENE 23: BEDLAM
SOUND: BG: INMATES SHOUTING AND TALKING
DOCTOR: I *am* the Doctor, Gideon. I *am*!
GIDEON: You are the Doctor. And what is the Doctor, eh? A
bicardial biped of Gallifrey? A spaceo-temporal
rolling stone who's had more faces than a dog's had
fleas? A wide-eyed idealist who renounced his Timelord
name as a young man out of revolutionary fervour, and has
never since had the maturity t....
DOCTOR: [GENUINELY SHOCKED] Wait a minute! How do you know
that?!? I've never told that to anyone!
GIDEON: I know everything there is to know about this subject.
Haven't you guessed yet? *You* are not the Doctor, my
poor mad friend? *I* am.
SCENE 24: INSIDE OGOLIEN'S TEMPLE
SOUND: BG: AN ELECTRONIC HUMMING
WERGLASH: Help me, please!
RIA: I'll try to help you. If only I could...
SOUND: THE DOOR OPENS.
SOUND 2: BG: AN OWL HOOTING.
MURA: There's altogether too many opens *doors* around here!
*You*, girl! Who gave you permission to enter *my*
temple?
RIA: I'm sorry. It's only I thought...
MURA: You have made the acquaintance of a counterfeit devil.
Now I must send you to meet the *real* one.
RIA: It's only that...
MURA: Hold still, child. This will take but a moment.
RIA: It's only I thought this might be another TARDIS! And I
hoped to find somebody...
MURA: TARDIS? You said TARDIS?
RIA: Yes! I remember the name.
MURA: *You* are not a Gallifreyan. Tell me quickly, are there
Gallifreyans on Earth?
RIA: Only one. He's called the Doctor.
MURA: [TO HERSELF] Oh no! Has it *all* been for nothing?
SCENE 25: BEDLAM
SOUND: BG: INMATES SHOUTING AND TALKING.
GIDEON: Think about it. If the Doctor found himself locked up
in Bedlam, what would he do? Gibber, and plead, and
fight the keeper like any lunatic - oh, my word! - or
invent an identity for himself - take the name Gideon
Spoonbill, for instance - and act the perfect model
inmate until the authorities declared him *sane* and
released him? Which would be the intelligent thing to
do?
DOCTOR: But... but you look nothing *like* the Doctor! Your
voice!
GIDEON: The Doctor died! His body was destroyed. *I* am the
new regeneration.
SCENE 26: INSIDE OGOLIEN'S TEMPLE
SOUND: BG: AN ELECTRONIC HUMMING
MURA: Do you tell me then that you do not know how you came to
Earth, or where this Doctor of yours can be found?
RIA: Total amnesia, I'm afraid.
MURA: I can deal with that. Now watch my eyes. You have no
will of your own. Your *mind* is in my power. You will
do what *I* command, and *answer* what *I* ask. Do you
understand?
RIA: [MONOTONE] I understand.
MURA: Now then, Ria. Tell me of your coming to Earth. Tell
me *every* detail.
[AS SHE SPEAKS THE SECOND SCENE BEGINS TO PLAY ITSELF
OUT AGAIN UNDER HER VOICE.]
RIA: We had recently escaped the energy fields of a black
hole. The Doctor had descended to the lower regions of
the TARDIS to check for damage to the ziton cells. Left
alone, I entered the console room.
SOUND: A CHORUS OF ELECTRONIC BEEPS
RIA: [FROM SCENE TWO]...Life's too precious to risk you
dropping us down another black hole. [PAUSE] Ah, there
we are. The symbiotic nuclei.
MURA: Wait. Symbiotic nuclei? Explain that term.
RIA: The mechanism by which a Timelord is psychically linked
to his TARDIS. While they operate, no one can pilot it
without his permission. I sought to bypass the circuits
in order to take over the TARDIS for my own purposes.
MURA: I understand. Continue.
[THE EXTRACT FROM SCENE TWO CONTINUES...]
SOUND: A CHORUS OF ELECTRONIC BEEPS
RIA: And now rotate the lateral neuron field to two hundred
and seven degrees. Easy does it...
SOUND: THERE IS AN EXPLOSION.
RIA: Ahhhh!!! That can't be right! I must have engaged the
auxiliary!
SOUND: AN ALARM SOUNDS, BUILDING IN INTENSITY AS THE SCENE
PROGRESSES.
RIA: Oh no! [CALLING] Doctor? Help! Come quickly!
[THEIR VOICES BEGIN TO BECOME DISTORTED, IT WORSENS AS
THE SCENE PROGRESSES.]
DOCTOR: Levels still rising!
SOUND: THERE IS ANOTHER EXPLOSION.
DOCTOR: It may be too late!
RIA: We'd better get outside.
DOCTOR: Check the scanner first! We might have landed.... [HE
LETS OUT AN AGONIZING SCREAM.]
RIA: Doctor? What's wrong?
DOCTOR: My head! Ah! What's happening inside my head?
RIA: Look! The scanner!
DOCTOR: It's going to blow!
RIA: That face!
DOCTOR: I can't stop the build-up!
SOUND: THE ALARM CONTINUES TO RING AS THE PULSING SOUND OF THE
BUILDUP ECHOES AND FADES.
SCENE 27: BEDLAM.
SOUND: BG: INMATES SHOUTING AND TALKING
GIDEON: Do you remember now, my friend? Before the explosion?
That face in the scanner? The face of a man standing
*outside* the TARDIS, contorted in horror and pain?
Your face, my friend.
DOCTOR: My... *my* face!
GIDEON: The symbiotic nuclei malfunctioning created a mental
link between the *Doctor* and a passer-by, standing on
the Shoreditch wharf when the TARDIS materialized. A
vast wave of the Doctor's memories and thought patterns
flooded his mind - obliterating his own personality,
until *he* believed he was, himself, the Doctor. Poor
fellow. A most imperfect copy, I'm afraid.
DOCTOR: It was *you*! *You* were the face in the scanner!
GIDEON: Shall we put that proposition to the test, hm?
SCENE 28: INSIDE OGOLIEN'S TEMPLE
SOUND: BG: AN ELECTRONIC HUMMING
RIA: [MONOTONE] After the explosion, we staggered out of the
TARDIS into the streets. Men came. They fell upon the
Doctor. They said...
MURA: What? What did they say?
RIA: ...that they were taking him off to Bedlam. I escaped,
but...
MURA: Bedlam? How *very* delightful. No point in maintaining
the hypnotic link. You are awake, girl.
RIA: [SPEAKING NORMALLY] I...I remember! I remember
everything! Oh, what a *fool* I was!
MURA: We must... uhm... we must *rescue* this Gallifreyan. I
know of the Timelords and the good they do. You must
take me to him.
[THE WERGLASH CRIES FROM THE OTHER ROOM.]
RIA: That creature in there. He's in pain. Can't we help
him?
MURA: Yes. Poor thing. That is all in hand, child. His
ordeal will end tonight. Your Doctor is a more pressing
matter. Come. We must find my husband.
SOUND: THE DOOR OPENS
SCENE 29: BEDLAM.
SOUND: BG: INMATES SHOUTING AND TALKING
GIDEON: Next question: The Doctor once encountered a race known
as Rills. What type of atmosphere did they breathe?
DOCTOR: Rills? Uhm. Yes....
GIDEON: *Ammonia*.
DOCTOR: [LETS OUT A FRUSTRATED SIGH]
GIDEON: Victoria Waterfield left the TARDIS to live with *which*
family?
DOCTOR: Uhm. Don't tell me. Uhm....
GIDEON: The *Harrises*.
Whose limitation effect prohibits multiple temporal
re-entry?
DOCTOR: Blimovitch!
GIDEON: Oh, well done, my friend. One out of twenty. Go to the
top of the class. And now, what can you tell me about
the Gressolins?
DOCTOR: Gressolins? Uh... I... I know the name.
GIDEON: Know the name? *Know* the name?!? Mothers on Gallifrey
scare their children with the stories, and *you* know
the name! They waged total war against us back in the
latter days of Rassilon. In the end, we destroyed
Gressolis, and *all* but a handful of its inhabitants.
But only after they'd come within micro-seconds of
exterminating us. Gallifrey never knew a more
implacable foe.
DOCTOR: W..w...well... Yes! Of course! I *did* know that!
GIDEON: A parallel civilization. Equally advanced, but
dedicated to evil. The Timelords' dark shadow. They
never conquered time thank heavens, but they learned to
transmit matter through *immense* distances in space.
And they had one, special, terrible weapon. Their
greatest strength, and at the same time, their vilest
curse. Do you remember *that*, my poor mad friend?
SCENE 30: THE GROUNDS OF MEDMENHAM ABBEY
SOUND: BG: AN OWL HOOTS.
[NELLY AND OGOLIEN LAUGH PLAYFULLY.]
NELLY: Oh look, sir, you have me alone. What are your
intentions towards me, pray?
OGOLIEN: Alas, Nelly. [HE KISSES HER] Strictly dishonourable.
[HE KISSES HER A FEW MORE TIMES.] Will you be pleased
to sit?
NELLY: Why I truly adore these continental manners. I really
do.
[THEY KISS ONE ANOTHER PASSIONATELY.]
OGOLIEN: And now, Nelly... watch my eyes!
NELLY: Why, and what pretty brown eyes they are. A girl might
lose hersel....
OGOLIEN: Watch my eyes.
NELLY: What? What's happening?
OGOLIEN: Watch my eyes.
[AS NELLY PROTESTS, THE PHRASE BEGINS TO REPEAT AND
OVERLAP ITSELF, FORMING A COAXING, SINISTER, HYPNOTIC
SPELL.]
NELLY: Look away! Please, look away! Your eyes! They're
burning me! They're burning me!
SOUND: A BALL OF ENERGY ENGULFS NELLY.
NELLY: Ahhhhhhh!!!
OGOLIEN: [LAUGHS A DEEP, LONG, AND SINISTER LAUGH.]
=======================================================================
(END OF PART ONE)
=======================================================================
- transcriber -
sloth (an933@hwcn.org)
- websites -
http://www.hwcn.org/~an933
http://justyce.org
=======================================================================